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The end of my everything - but nothing ever ends [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
A person making his own way

[ Where I want you to go | The Stunt People! ]
[ Who I purport to be | This guy! ]
[ Some old bullshit | Stuff from the past, man ]
[ Where I rule...sort of | AERO CHICAGO ]
[ Myspace | Tedious ]
[ Facebook | Pointless ]

Current sense of economy [Oct. 15th, 2008|08:11 pm]
Why is everyone freaking out about the economy? Sure, I get it the mortgage crisis is collapsing banks, and making others reticent to make loans to consumers businesses and other banks.

There's cause for concern, of course, and some kind of corrective downturn is in order, but I don't think that anyone with a bit of economic sense fears an absolute disaster.

It is debatable, of course, but my basic precept remains just this - there hasn't been a world-wide economic collapse since the Great Depression, and the while the housing market and the mortage martket precipitated this crisis, I haven't seen any real reason why that single area will cause widespread economic collapse.

Most arguments that I've read are reliant on the devaluation of the US currency relative to the world economy, either that declining exchange rates will make our trade deficit cause economic collapse, or that hyperinflation created by trying to maintain our trade deficit, or our mortgage market - basically devaluing the dollar by printing too much of it - supply and demand of dollars.

Well, my response is that the world economy can't afford for the US economy to implode, and even if our dollar lost value relative to other currencies worldwide, we'd still have our own infrastructure to rely on.

The first point is that the US economy is the biggest and most lucrative produt market in the world. While the US deficit spending is not a sustainable practice, even when that practice comes to and end, or more likely has to be curbed and balanced, the economic collapse of this market would create some serious widespread stife for all of the companies that sell here. Think about it. If the US economy isn't buying that's 100 million households not purchasing food, water, cars, clothes, shoes, guns, computers, video games, and not investing! I am aware that countries in the middle east, china and others all hold substantial reserves of US dollars, they do so in part to maintain their profits in the US market. If China sells its reserves of US currency, who buys the incredible amounts of goods that they produce? If the Middle East continues to switch crude oil sales over from dollars to Euros, then oil becomes more expensive to us - As a result we buy less oil.

Just having been to mexico, it's pretty clear how these sorts of things work - their currency is worth less than ours, so as tourists in mexico we received steep discounts on goods and services produced or created in mexico. However, even though a dollar is worth 10.5 pesos, a dodge ram pickup still costs 40000 US, it's just 420,000ish pesos.

Imported goods tend to retain their relative value. So as the prices rise, our consumption of them goes down, reducing the economy of the other country...but not collapsing it, unless imports become unaffordable in the US generally, which has the same effect on the economy of the other country.
That's all well and good. The US still has the means to produce over 10 trillion worth in goods. If we import less, we'll have to reinternalize more of the means of production, bring back jobs from overseas - which will continue to become more affordable if the dollar devaluates - in the long term, we'll be able to bring to equalibrium, if not reverse our trade deficit.

While I see a decreased economy here, and likely impact from that worldwide, I can't see an economic crash erupting. Maybe someone much smarter with a greater knowledge and better sight could explain how this will be an economy melting crisis, but I honestly can't see it coming. Maybe I just don't have the vision, but I just don't see something so extreme happening.
link1 solid kick in the genital area|Tell me how my junk should be kicked

Kingship [Jan. 30th, 2008|03:59 pm]
It's been almost...five months since I last posted, but hey, why not indulge one's self in one's own manic inconsistency?

I'm posting a because things are sucking and I'm not sure exactly what steps to take. IN the environs, the things that have been coming to me are references to medieval social order.

So I take that and ask myself, where do I work in this idea? How do I function?

Basically, I look at the facebook game of 'knighthood' and 'A game of thrones' - george rr martin, and I try and figure out what I need to do to run my own kingdom. Ask, am I a king? A lord? A village elder? A councilor, a wizard, a soldier, or what? Do I even want to bother with people, given my misanthropic nature and inklings.

Well...I suppose in the big scheme of things, no, I don't. I'd much rather be off on my own. But that's just a concept - one that I'm not even really sure I could follow through on. The reason that I'm such a misanthrope is that I'm constantly disappointed with people; myself included. Honestly, as an information junkie, there's too much I'd be missing out on in not talking to people, particularly as I continue to be interested in social dynamics and human resource management.

It all just depends on the scope of the thing. King or knight, wizard or elder. General or corporal.

And what I keep seeing and continuing to see is the ability of kings to connect with people. A king or a leader creates a structure in which other people profit, by which he profits. I think that first and foremost, that is something that is inherent and unrecognized. However, there is somewhat of a problem, as people also have to feel appreciated and valued, and this dynamic should chiefly emerge from the king. A king that neglects the details of his kingdom breeds corruption, a king that treats his subjects poorly is bound for revolution. And in either case, the balance of society will continue to exist, regardless of whether or not you are a good king or a bad king, a dynast or dead.

So, the basics are the structure of the kingdom and the ability of the king to connect with the people around him. I'm not going to worry about the more political/charisma aspects until I have a greater kingdom to consider.

I think the greatest question for me right now is the tools of connection - anecdotes are huge and I neglect them terribly. Especially since I can sit and listen and be engaged. It's just a problem of opening up and making people feel that the option of discussion and conversation is available. But also, trying to discern the needs from the wants of the subjects, and giving them a structure that balances what they need with what they want, and what I am willing to give.

Because truly, you're only as successful as your subjects.
If you are working too hard, maybe your goals are too great in scope, or you are giving too much.
If your subjects are working too hard, you need to give more of your time, and delegate/restructure more efficiently.

We'll see how this kingdom runs.
linkTell me how my junk should be kicked

Why is it this way again? [Sep. 14th, 2007|07:08 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , , , , , , ]
[Where I park mah butt |Dope Haus]
[How ya doin' little man? | goofballs]
[Sounds of Science |dee jay pickel]

I am a misanthrope - but what's that mean?

I don't like some people. IMO, nobody likes nobody. Whoa - deep.

Take it back for a moment, and get your head in the game!
So, I guess then you got to be identifying the types of people that meet your standards, cuz being a misanthrope is one of those intensely relative things.

It's like any kind of negative state - you can't really put a specific name or quality on any of it because it's the negation of another state. It's not like you're a misanthrope on everyone. A hater of humankind should be into self-negation it seems, as should someone who hates people in general.

Right? Right.

So, who do you hate - and conversely, who do you like?

It's not exactly an easy question to answer. I like people who are discerning - not quite as much when they discern me out of the picture.

I like people who like to crack jokes?
Dang, this is hard.

I like picky, discerning people who are up front about themselves, what they like and what they don't. Isn't that everybody in the world? Dammit! I need character sheets and stats! Why isn't this a video game?!?

So, the litmus test is being that for yourself - are you the kind of person that you're looking for? Erhm - no.

So? Shut the fuck up and get to work!

Aye Cap'n.

That guy's such a dick.
link3 solid kicks in the genital area |Tell me how my junk should be kicked

That new shit. [Aug. 10th, 2007|05:52 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , , , , ]
[Where I park mah butt |Phat haus]
[How ya doin' little man? | predatory]
[Sounds of Science |District B13 trailer]

So, there's a lot of things that I like to do right?

Lot of them in particular pertaining to the body.

But honestly, I can't get myself to stick with or commit to something unless it's 100% what I want...or pretty damn close.

So, why am I forcing myself towards that kind of pattern?
Why can't I go in a bunch of different paths at once, and see what happens?

I'd rather do that, because mastery at the cost of everything else just seems stupid.

And it's not like any of these areas are mutually exclusive of non-reinforcing. Just some of them are less finely dovetailed together than others.

So, I say fuck it, and go off to do what I want.
link4 solid kicks in the genital area |Tell me how my junk should be kicked

RE: Standard comm-message [Jul. 23rd, 2007|11:52 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , , , , , , , ]
[Where I park mah butt |new haus]
[How ya doin' little man? | fuck it and fuck you]

Time for another angsty blog. Because, you know, I only do this when things are going wrong.

Really, I should do it relatively more often. To get in touch with that voice. To speak my mind and showcase my abilities.

Well, I didn't. So, what now?

Let's illustrate a problematic loop, shall we?

People want to survive.
BUT
Survival is difficult.
ERGO
People are most often making the most optimal survival choice.
Premise #1

Survival is positively enabled by being "functionally larger".
BUT
"Functionally Larger" is a relative concept.
ERGO
Optimal survival depends in part on seeming as "functionally large" as once can.
Premise #2

A "functionally large" personality attracts people.
BUT
It also alienates people.
ERGO
A functionally large personality can be a survival risk.
Premise #3

Personality attraction is based largely on shared beliefs.
BUT
No one can share all beliefs.
ERGO
Universal traits are the key to universal personality attraction.
Premise #4

I want to be liked by people.
BUT
The only universal trait is that people are selfish scumbags.
ERGO
To have universal appeal, I sacrifice myself.
Premise #5

These premises do not fit together.

Paralysis. I don't do anything but give myself up, because few people choose not to take advantage of someone who is giving, even if it is self-sacrificing. However, this does not lead into optimal survival choice. A case of shipping grain downhill...if that makes any sense.

As an added bonus, I know that for the most part, personality attraction is based on...humor, confidence, and excitation.

So, really.

Why am I giving up at work?
Because I think they'll fire me if I act like myself.

Why am I afraid to express myself?
Because I think that demonstrable outcomes will be negative.

Why do I self-sacrifice?
Because, even if it is not optimal for survival, I am so morally offended by people who make themselves out to be more than they are - I innately feel the need to balance this out by seeming less than what I am.

So, I'm making myself small, and giving others the best of me, because they're aggrandizing themselves, and so they won't hurt me?

I thought that's what martial arts was for.

I thought that's what communication research was supposed to teach me.

I thought that I'd finally learned to be myself, and start getting somewhere.

That I'd know that I could make it and survive, regardless what else happened.

But I hold people in contempt for self-aggrandizing, for me sacrificing to them, and for me thinking that I need them.

I am capable of being so goddamn self-sufficient that it unnerves people.

I am capable of being attractive and funny that people I do not know or remember seem to remember me.

I'm better than all of this shit.

I'm better than this job, I'm better than this life, I'm better than all of it.

Done.
link3 solid kicks in the genital area |Tell me how my junk should be kicked

(no subject) [Jul. 20th, 2007|01:21 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , , , , , , , ]
[Where I park mah butt |new haus]
[How ya doin' little man? | accomplished]

And inasmuch as one can only rely on one's self to regularly complete one's life, when one enters into a dependent relationship with another person, I feel that there has to be a certain framework of rules or conventions that exist, in order to make the situation function.

Nothing complex - just basic logical agreements - if I give you A, it must be under condition(s) B(,C, D, etc).

Even if someone is willing to give something away, they can only do so under condition that the other person accepts it.

Once that framework is coopted, once things fall out of necessary balance, then it all just goes to hell.

I'm rereading Siddhartha at the moment, and there's a passage in there about the voiceof the self, functioning as the guiding light. It tells you when things are okay, and when they suck. And when it is and isn't right to do something.

That voice is my best guide when I am receiving something from someone else.
And when I no longer listen, I'm fucked.

Fucked.
link2 solid kicks in the genital area |Tell me how my junk should be kicked

The idea being [Jul. 20th, 2007|01:08 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , , , , ]
[Where I park mah butt |new haus]
[Sounds of Science |Hammering in my Head]

a lack of dependency.

A lot of the time, in relationships, and in life, I tend to rely on people for certain things. For whatever reason, the relationship would develop a certain way, and evolve into a certain pattern, and I'd be relying on them for...something.

Anyways, the point is that dependency sucks and is a shitty pattern.

I have skills and abilities. I have deficits and foibles. People can help you out in certain areas from time to time, but in the long run, and most often, one is best served by being in touch with one's own abilities to satisfy one's own needs.

If I can't give it to myself, and I allow someone else to give it to me, I'm in for a fucked up surprise if I ever lose the awareness of what I'm depending on them for.

Dependency in any kind of relationship is a crutch, a device that you use only as long as you have to.

Because in the end, you can satisfy yourself much more completely than anyone else can.
Is that true?
I'm not sure.
But it seems true now.
link3 solid kicks in the genital area |Tell me how my junk should be kicked

Only the one [Jul. 19th, 2007|05:54 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , , , , ]
[Where I park mah butt |new haus]
[How ya doin' little man? | thoughtful]

Some people worry about solipsism.
Me, I've rarely known being alone, but I've never been comfortable with others.

Something's just not quite right. Not sure what it is or what it might be, but there's a certain component to my personality that glitches when brought into contact with the many.
I just don't work with most people.

A thought awhile back - in order to live with others, to be able to cope with the desires and thoughts of dynamic social interaction, I would be subject to the ups and downs, disappointments and triumphs of casting my desires upon others. Hoping that someone would be something or do something or act as something. But, if one never wishes for something from another person, one can never be disappointed by failure.

I think that this implies something emotive - if you want someone love you(the classic
example) you have to find someone who will love you. However, if you can open your desires to a wider spectrum, or concretize them to a more specific and describable intent, you never have to face disappointment.

It's kind of funny how little sense this idea makes now, but in the world of entitled high school america(which happens to be most of the world at large), it's funny how often people feel entitled to their whims. But right now, I couldn't even imagine feeling that way.

I feel now as though I am a cat at this current juncture. I want a few specific things, and I am willing to go a certain distance to get them, but it is most often just the distance of finding a convenient setting or partner. I very often desire to just do one very simple thing, and it seems(seemed?) relatively easy at one point to find people who
would go along and get along.

Desire without reciprocity.
Desires not requiring reciprocity.
Starting there and moving forward.

But now, I can't quite go forward.
Right now, I can't seem to get far enough.

I'm not a cat, and eating, sleeping, nuzzling and fighting is just not cutting the mustard in the world of complexity. That, and it may be that hardly any of my current desires do not necessitate reciprocity.

Hmmm.
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Vote way of honor! Vote once a day! [Jul. 16th, 2007|08:31 pm]
[Tags|]
[Where I park mah butt |new haus]

Hey everyone! Just reminding people to vote for the short I did for the true to john woo contest on myspace. It's called "Way of Honor" and it is in the top ten finalists section, which you can find here:

www.myspace.com/strangleholdgame

Way of honor!

Watch me be cool and vote, vote, vote once a day!

Thanks,
-Alex
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Because I only do this when things aren't going well... [Apr. 22nd, 2007|09:44 am]
[Tags|, , , , , , , , , ]
[Where I park mah butt |work!]
[How ya doin' little man? | vodka tonic flows in mah blood]
[Sounds of Science |Virt]

I just feel a lot of blah.

Play? Blah.
Work? Blah.
House? Blah.

Few things are as I would have them be right now, and everything seems to be a drain, a leech and a pull. And yes, instead of handling them, I am avoiding them, because "I don't have time". I had a few spare hours each day between work and rehearsal, a few precious moments of spare time that I greedily coveted so I could...wear myself out further and get no greater satisfaction by playing video games?

Um....yeah. I'm not sure what that's supposed to be.

It's not developing the skills that I'm supposed to be working on.
It's not working out to prevent further bodily atrophy.
It's not furthering any goal, impulse, whim or desire that I can really put my finger on.

So, why? Why this need for leisure and not work. Why journal now when I could be doing other things.

Why be stuck in this position?

I'm not sure. But a lot of things are sucking now.

And I'm letting them continue to suck.

Emblematic of this problem: [info]awibs was saying that our other roommate Mark has been harassing her and her friends lately with blather and patter. Big doof, he's really starved for female attention. But her words were something to the effect of: Why doesn't he just stop?

It's just emblematic of a common social problem. No one wants to talk to the social leper, the needy guy or gal who just wants to speak their mind and feelings. Howe'er, I've found recently and in general, that most people just want to talk, they don't want to share. I find that unacceptable. However, if everyone's just gonna talk and not passively choose to listen, then you just have to dominate the fuck out of the interaction.

That's the beans. You say what you want to be said, gently correct people for doing things you don't approve of, speak your values to them and shut them down if they can't manage to get the point across. I need to work on all of this.

I need to work on my getting shit the way I want it.
A lot.
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so tired. [Mar. 25th, 2007|09:47 pm]
[Tags|]
[Where I park mah butt |da haus]
[How ya doin' little man? | TIEURD, MAN!]
[Sounds of Science |Rushjet1]

I've been letting things get away from me. I've been too accepting and giving. Time to flip that for awhile. Stupid play. I want less to do right now, so I can do other things.

At least I've got the option to heal, since my schedule won't really let me train...

I will have more to say later.

So-tired.
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Life is hard [Mar. 17th, 2007|10:02 am]
[Tags|, , , , , , , ]
[Where I park mah butt |TC's zen Cave]
[How ya doin' little man? | thinkin']
[Sounds of Science |Rushjet1]

Ethics are hard.
Friendship is hard.
Relationships are hard.

Then again, maybe they're not.

Reading 'How to win friends and influence people'. The essence of the book, I think comes down to accepting other people as they are, or to use the jargon, saying "Yes" to the other person(also their feelings, their opinions and their point of view). Now mind, this isn't being sycophantic. It's an honest yes...but I think that's why sycophants are so reviled...someone who says 'yes' to you and your ideas and happens to be lying is a great betrayer.

Saying yes makes everything easier. From the smile that brightens people's existence, to the genuine appreciation of personal qualities, to the agreement, in conversation, of what the other person is saying. You aren't trying to lie, and you aren't violating your own ethics in order to do so, but you say yes as largely and as broadly as you can to this person, and the rest of their experience. It will be very hard for them not to like you.

More complex techniques of persuasion, like the 'yes ladder' allow the various small agreements to coalesce and create larger agreement. Or beginning to persuade in an argument by agreeing with your opponent, and thereby mollifying, and then trying to express your point, once your opposition is more receptive, by you having been receptive towards him.

The principle that this is based on is conscious importance. We all need to have a sense of our own significance. And nothing destroys or affirms this sense like social affirmation and rejection. We agree or disagree and we create connection and communication or conflict and dissonance. I guess it's just a matter of what results that you want to create in your life. If you want to be close with the people who matter, if you want to be someone that can be looked up to, if you want to be rich in friends and in life, then you must begin accepting what people bring to you.

Leeeder! Leeeder!
link2 solid kicks in the genital area |Tell me how my junk should be kicked

Um, okay [Mar. 11th, 2007|11:02 am]
[Tags|, , , , , , , , ]
[Where I park mah butt |TC's zen cave]
[How ya doin' little man? | there's a lot to do]
[Sounds of Science |Rushjet1]

( life )
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They say I'm a big boy....and they're fuckin' a right [Mar. 3rd, 2007|03:04 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , , , , , , ]
[Where I park mah butt |da haus]
[How ya doin' little man? | they say I'm a big boy...]

----edited for privacy----

I had a nice conversation today about the assisting process, what we're getting out of isa, and what value it's creating for us.

And to be perfectly honest, it's making me pretty irritable and crabby.
Which is not to say that there's a problem with the assisting process, or with how things are going; just the way that I am responding to the people who I interact with, and the directions given, are taking me down a different way than what's expected.

Let me paint you a picture.
First the concept of the prisoners' dilemma.
It's a basic logic problem relating to the ethics of human interaction, asking, do we benefit more from taking advantage of our fellow human, or by giving to them - and the answer is in the response the other person puts forward. If someone is universally going to abuse us to their benefit, we should abuse them back, or otherwise bring the situation into equilibrium. If the other person is universally going to give to us, we should abuse them, IF MAXIMUM BENEFIT OF THE SELF IS THE GOAL.

However, in a dynamic situation, we can expect these interactions to be in flux, depending on our responses; sometimes we will be givers, sometimes we will be takers. But the conclusion that can be drawn from this is that if we are trying to create the most benefit for everyone in the long term, I should always give, always lift up, and attempt to take as little as possible. But if people are going to push and press and try and abuse me, then I should push back, and take from them, with the stronger and more capable person creating their desired result.

This is an innate assumption I act on throughout my life.

This leads into my next point as such - the assistants and coordinators who have been directly talking to me have been pushing me forward, which is seemingly a good thing. But they have not been pushing me towards one of my particular goals, or one of theirs. It seems like they are pushing to follow the isa 'program', play the game they've established, follow the rules, etc. And in doing so, they've created a prisoners' dilemma where I feel pressured to fulfill someone else's goals, over those of my own. I feel pressured to 'give to the cause' and to ignore my own desires: so instead of giving more, I push back. Which, unfair though it may be, is the natural response that I've set up for myself. And may God help anyone that tries to push me too hard.

I've lived a life in fear of being pressured, in fear of connecting with people, and worried about giving for being taken advantage of. So, I have some powerful capacities to burn bridges, cut ties, and shred the bonds of relationships. And if you press me, if you try to get something for yourself that I don't want to give you, you've already lost your opportunity, and the interaction is over.

Sure I can be mean and hurtful and spiteful too, but you can't always affect people in those ways. What you can always do is cease communication.

However, because of the fears of being abused or taken advantage of, I've created a certain environment around myself wherein I elicit feelings and responses from people, create an environment where they can be themselves, and I tend to hide behind my interest in their values. I hide myself so that I'll never be seen criticized or judged, and thereby evaluated and used. And that's created a certain huge amount of difficulty in my life.

I've made people more knowledgeable about themselves, and vulnerable to me, and at the same time, I've not given them an even basis of information with which to engage me. Which makes people feel uneasy, and often gives them the motivation to depart my presence after a certain length of time. And why not? After all, I'm making everyone into what I want them to be - fools with problems that are easily converted into assumptive asses, once they realize that they don't know anything about me. It's more a weaker place to be than being a judgmental ass because seemingly, the responsibility falls squarely on the shoulders of the person I'm interacting with. It's a pretty ruthlessly effective strategy, which I like. Unfortunately, the effect is that I create one -sided relationships, often drive people away from me, and make people weaker and worse than when I found them.

So perhaps this isn't the best idea, n'est pas?

Watashi-tai chigaimasu.

So, in the context of isa, I find myself making most people into these assuming asses, because I don't give them anything to work on, and because they have a body of vocabulary, goals and material with which they can be preoccupied. Especially when interacting with me; very often, people are pre-assuming things about my motivations and actions, which makes it all the more easy for me to turn them into a putz in my head.

But something I talked about today was a simple question that I had to answer. "Is it my responsibility to show myself to people and allow them to make their own judgments, or is it their responsibility to be a clean slate, and not assume more about me than they know?"

Obviously, the answer is both actions have to occur, but I only have direct control of one side. If I want people to know more about me and judge whether they want to interact with me or not, I have to put an image of myself out there, and let them create their own story. It may not be the image that I want, nor is it necessarily an image that I like, but I have to give them that opportunity if we are going to have a balanced and fair interaction.

That's the point of my conversation opener agreement, whether I recognized it or not before this point.

That's a big part of what I wanted to create working through isa, developing my ability to communicate and express myself to people, so that I could find the people that I thought were amazing and awesome, and pushed me along my chosen road.

So then, I have to say that for a variety of reasons, I'm really disappointed in the assisting process, I feel like it's not necessarily the best way to create the results I want in my life, and I am deciding whether or not to cease the assisting process.

I suppose that I have new opportunities to do things very different from this point on, considering what I've just recognized and realized. But I think that I've been very unfair to a lot of people, and that there's no guarantee that I will turn over a new leaf. I really don't want to drain the energy of people who are already working so hard, but I would like to hear what you have to say about the whole situation. Chiefly because you've been so fair to me, even when I've been unfair to you, and you've shown me the love, consideration and respect that I thought would pervade the assisting process, rather than being the exception to the rule.

But I recognize my part in that, and I'm ready to do whatever the best next step is.
link2 solid kicks in the genital area |Tell me how my junk should be kicked

Txt purge. [Feb. 25th, 2007|07:32 pm]
[Tags|]
[Where I park mah butt |da haus]
[How ya doin' little man? | cleaning up so many things]
[Sounds of Science |Rushjet1]

( more )
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Man on fire. [Feb. 22nd, 2007|01:01 am]
[Tags|, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ]
[Where I park mah butt |da haus]
[How ya doin' little man? | the avatar is on fire.]
[Sounds of Science |theSTART]

It's one of those nights. I can feel the energy flowing up my spine, fiery and fresh, like the life force of angels and devils flying through my chakras, creating an entity, a force, an avatar.

A fucking Tyler Durden, that I confine. A monster that will let me do whatever it wants, that I cage, because I'm afraid to death of what it might do.

I went to a dinner party. Honest perspectives on 4 people.

I looked at a picture of you, and thought, I love your smile, and I'll be able to connect to you on some level, because you're a happy, wonderful person.

From when we first met, I knew that if I ever got the opportunity, we'd connect as intensely as I ever had with anyone.

I saw you, and I saw myself - a restrained person around whom everything works - not out of happenstance, but out of concerted, significant effort. I feel sad because you won't let what you have out.

I look at you, and I like you, but you can't let anything in. You don't even know what you want, you're running on program. And as a result, you're somewhere that hurts, and I really want you to be healthy and whole.

Only one person who reads is going to play the game, so it doesn't really matter. But did you get it all right?

I didn't talk, like usual, but I laughed and affirmed and clarified. The things that matter, the things that I value. Going against the bullshit, the garble, the picking value out of the mess. Engaging with people as forcefully and completely as I dared. Because I can't, I REFUSE to do that thing, that scattershot garbage about trying 1,000,000 different things to try and pull someone in. I'm doing isa for a reason. My agreements have merit and purpose. If I'm not creating openers and trying them out, I'm wasting my time.

And I danced, and it was wonderful. I'm rusty, crappy and out of practice. But also, I'm demanding as hell, ruthlessly testing, and repudiating to pattern, as much as I can be. I'm a terrible partner, unless you want to get run through the wringer. Despite the fact that I'm really, amazingly good, and can get a host of responses out of the bare bones.

Got drunk and frustrated. I'm in a relationship. Not traditional at all. It's difficult and challenging. Or, rather, it has been, and in some respects, it continues to be so. Part of me wants the goodies, to get what I want, to be entitled to love and friendship and good times. Part of me wants to burn and cool, temper and test, heated and cooled 10,000 times, until there's nothing left but hard metal that functions perfectly. And then tempers some more.

I can't figure out what I want. I want to be happy and easy. I want to have good times and let go and not care. I want to use what I've got to earn what I need, and be happy. And I laugh at the idea of struggling, and pushing and working, and I welcome some time where I can just be.

And in my heart of hearts, I run away from that as fast as I can. I want challenge, I want growth, I want to be tempered by the most difficult things imaginable. I laugh at the people who don't earn their keep, who expect what they have to earn, instead of putting in hours, of energy, focus and will. I'm afraid of falling into corruption, of losing my way and my life, as I've done so many times before. Frankly, I don't even really know where I want to or need to go right now, but I do know that complacency always sets me back. If I'm not growing, I'm dying. There is no in-between.

So, I'm frustrated and lost. My determination chases off my complacency out of fear, and my complacency comes back bigger and badder because I need to let go and enjoy where I am.

Someone smart once told me that I never appreciate the results I do create, because they're almost always below the preposterously high standards I create.

Women like the hell out of me. There are three women I am/could be sleeping with that I like a whole lot, and at least 2 more that I could get were I willing to put in the work(and put up with their shit).

I have a well above average paying job that allows me freedom, challenge and the opportunity to connect with people.

I am developing a relationship with my parents, and I have every opportunity to take it where I want to take it, if I start acting on it.

I have some amazing friends that are pushing and creating and trying as hard as me, creating things for me, and seemingly willing to follow my lead.

I'm smart, talented, driven, damn good looking and apparently well endowed.

And I can't let any of this get to my head, lest I get lazy about any of it.

I can't let my primary relationship stagnate.
I have to get a better paying, more fulfilling, more flexible job.
I need to have a great relationship with my parents, and I need to move out of their house.
I need to have some amazing friendships and relationships and always be pushing towards what I want to be creating in every sphere.

Always focused. Always driven. Always moving with purpose towards a specific goal, or at least, in a general direction that agrees with me.

No. No respite. That's what confusion is for. Progress, earn, create. Always step and create room for others.

Never give up. Death is at your shoulder, it's just around the corner. I don't have time for shitty moods and half-ass feelings.
It's all life all the time, or I might as well be dead.

Without the effort and the energy, it's just not...not not not not worth it.
linkTell me how my junk should be kicked

Txt purge. [Feb. 18th, 2007|09:33 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , , , ]
[Where I park mah butt |da haus]
[How ya doin' little man? | I was doing what?]
[Sounds of Science |fight highlights]

( blah )
linkTell me how my junk should be kicked

Why is there a gay lj colorscheme today? And this too shall pass... [Feb. 15th, 2007|01:44 am]
[Tags|, , , , , , , , , , ]
[Where I park mah butt |da haus]
[How ya doin' little man? | power brain pwnage]
[Sounds of Science |Alan Greespan was the hero of the last age.]

I suppose that there's nothing like seeing the value in a trite piece of wisdom for the first time, ever.

Not a good day at work. I'm'a got paid, I'm'a got a raise, and I'm'a got more regular hours, around which I can more easily schedule my various pastimes.

HOWEVER! I AM STILL COUNTING FORKS! And plates and spoons and napkins, etc.
It is not an interesting job, or a fulfilling job. It is an incredibly boring job.
But as ready as I was to tear someone a new one, I got over it, and moved on with my day. I dunno exactly why, I've been kind of taking the whole situation kind of personally, like it's my bosses fault for giving me such a piece of shit job, when I asked for something a little bit more difficult. But it's not their fault. I didn't offer them up any options or ideas for what I thought that I could do. And to be honest, I can't really expect all that much from most people. So, what the hell, unless I offer up a little bit more, I can't really expect to get much...especially since pretty much everyone else in the world is less focused and competent than I am - Or at least, pretty much everyone else at my job...

I actually had a reasonable conversation with my parents about most people's inability to communicate. My parents can do a pretty good job with it. But it's just so hard sometimes to create or match energy, and to get people up and matching your oh-so important energy. I'll end conversations with people for being shitty conversationalists, not being able to give and take, not being able to negotiate topics issues and stuff with pragmatic facility. And I'm okay with that. Life's too short for suckkkkkkky communicators. I mean, as a focal point.

I was SO lovey-dubby much earlier today. Still am, in large part. I saw episodes of Scrubs dealing with relationships, marriage and the like. And I'm still a little gooshy about, well...being in love with someone amazing. And I wanted to like, indulge in that feeling, because that feeling is so awesome, and I don't feel it enough, and OMG, YAY, and all of that stuff. Don't miss the point, I'm relatively sure that she's doing something awesome for herself(hopefully besides working), and I spent my free time on valentine's day sleeping and watching episodes of scrubs with my mom.

However, I did read some castaneda (which is like, my manual for life, I'm realizing more and more), and the chapter I looked over was the one about recognizing the necessity in being available and unavailable. In more mystical terms, it deals with being accessible to the less comprehensible powers in the world, but in real world terms, it has to do with not overusing or burning out the resources at your disposal - e.g. the environment that gives you life, or the love of another person that sustains your emotions. To be a warrior, to be a hunter, to be a man of power, a student of the world, is to pursue everything with purpose and temperance. Every goal is worth reaching, and everything is renewable, but everything can be exploited and expended as well. Naked greed is no good in any space or time, really.

And that's kind of the point of this whole thing. If I'm going after something, it should be for a reason. If I need something out of life, there's reasons for it, and I should pursue them. And burning anything out has no reason...unless you're trying to wipe it off the face of the landscape. Which, I suppose is valuable in its own right. But emotions pass, and to do stupid things because your emotions demand satisfaction because you did too much of something, or not enough of something is something that you have to deal with. Not something you have to act on.

The thing to figure now is how personal history and connection fits into this whole scheme. Because I'm still notorious for not talking about my life. And I'm thinking about how that's good. And I'm not sure why it's bad.
linkTell me how my junk should be kicked

nergle-gurgle [Feb. 11th, 2007|08:48 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , , , , , , , ]
[Where I park mah butt |Bethany has no hair!]
[How ya doin' little man? | long term life energy issues]
[Sounds of Science |Arbonne International pitch]

Things have been going a little bit nuts lately.

I've been doing isa, and increased my participation level therein.

I've been doing stuff with [info]awibs which has been a lot of fun.

I've been working on one show, and invited to audition in another, backdoored in.

And I find myself doing a whole bunch of things that have exposed me to a bunch of situations that freak me out.
---------------------------------------------------------
I am in love again? Who saw this one coming? I like to say that I did, but I didn't really. Not to this extent. I'm always afraid of losing control, always working to dominate situations, and manipulate circumstances so that I feel like I'm more comfortable and in charge. But when I get undercut by the strong emotion, and swept away, it kind of freaks me out. I was freaked out. Trying to run from it is impossible. And trying to fight it is foredoomed to failure. So, I spent some time this morning figuring out what to do.

And then, I remembered that the last thing you can do when you are falling into anything.

Dive.

Even if you are falling to your death, you can scream and holler, or you can speed the fuck up, and see what the next step is.

And then, suddenly, magically, everything suddenly fell into place. I wasn't feeling lost, or desperate or needy. I wasn't worried or concerned or dependent. I was me, a person in love with another person, and verrrrry happy with how things have come about and continue to be.

I pass the test, and remain Galadriel.
Yeah, I just compared myself to a woman.
No, I'm not gay.
Well, maybe a little.
ANYWAYS!
I'm good now. Shit is really, really, really good in this regard.
------------------------------------------------------------
I am freaked out right now a little bit about being in a show with lines.
I have never done a full show with lines.
And I hear about serious, quality actors, and I freak a bit because I don't seriously work at this, and I don't want audience or actors to suffer because of me.

But truthfully. Even if I'm not a great actor, I always strive to be as giving as an actor as I am as a person. And I don't always have to react to what people put out, I always have the opportunity to express my own thoughts and act on them. And I can't worry about what people are going to think about me, at least, NOT BEFORE I am satisfied with what I come up with. If I find a good fundamental base, I can move forward with choices and tweaks and integration comfortably, rather than making some amalgamated bullshit character.

So, as long as I master the text, and figure some solid choices and ideas, I should be fine, and in a solid position to improve.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I don't want to bail on this show I'm in right now - because I hate to make things more difficult on people unnecessarily. But I really do want to do isa. And I just don't feel like I'm getting out of this what I'm putting into it.

But am I?

I've missed 2 rehearsals, I'm not trying to give anything to the other actors, I'm not trying to push my fellows, and I'm not doing any more than what I'm asked to do.

Which is good, because most of the people here don't seem like they're able to do too much more than they already have.

But still, I haven't really given this my all.
Which is a shame, because I have to decide really soon whether or not I want to do one or the other.
But I really feel like even if I worked my tuckus off, we couldn't really raise the level of what we've got very much.

It's a ridiculous spectacle. And I don't really buy into it.
So, I guess I'm going to bail, one way or another.

Guess that's solved too.

I'm doing well. Very well.
That, at least, is how it seems.
linkTell me how my junk should be kicked

D & D? Again? [Feb. 5th, 2007|06:34 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , ]
[Where I park mah butt |da haus]
[How ya doin' little man? | happy jonas]
[Sounds of Science |FF IV]

Recently, I was compared to a paladin.
(The scimitar makes for some conflicting imagery in that regard.)

What is a paladin?

A holy knight?
A symbol of hope?
Someone questing for what will save us all?
No, that's D&D.

Read this. You'll see that it's a little bit different. But regardless. The idea of the knight of god, the member of the imperial guard, or the retainer of the king serves well enough as a model to provoke some piquant questions.

I don't know, but [info]remainroark was thinking about a person in her life that radiates strength, and the results that this person creates. The idea of the paladin, the modern example and my recent isa experience made me think about what makes a person a paladin - someone strong and holy who can be honored and respected, and who brings light into the life of everyone they meet.

I submit the following list.

Strength.
The will to persevere and see beyond simple emotional response.
Knowledge.
The ability to see past the words and emotions into the subtext of what's being expressed.
Acceptance.
The peace of mind to take what a person offers, keeping the good and releasing the bad.
Courage.
The bravery to face all that has happened, every tragedy, every mistake, and find the value, purpose and benefit in it all. And to keep doing what you know to be right.
Faith.
The belief that you are on the right path, that you will be served by your behaviors, and that things will turn out because you will not allow yourself to be set back.

Of course, all of this is dictated by the results you get. So, it's all relative.
But what do you think?
link5 solid kicks in the genital area |Tell me how my junk should be kicked

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